when things are not seem to be…
Saturday, January 31st, 2009There are times when I feel so worthless that I want to disappear from the face of the earth. What does it matter if I can draw a little, sing a little, write a little? I am not a great person. I do these things half-heartedly. It seems like I’m just taking up space.
There are times when I theorize that in order for one to understand life, the paradoxical; one has to be merely a spectator. I have this propensity to detach myself from things. I tend to attempt an understanding of pain and joy through a clear film, through a thick, transparent screen that safely separates me from the situation. I see figures cry and laugh while I remain numb and uncaring, just comprehending and observing from a distance. I see pictures in black and white. Scenes depersonalized.
Everything becomes so finite and rigid this way. Then I realize: this perception is limiting. Experiencing things firsthand must be the better and nobler choice. If I laugh and cry, then I test my courage (if I have any); I try my patience, my limits. Who am I to lift myself up above others? Who am I to think that I am beyond sorrow and gladness, beyond emotions that grip mechanical, predictable mortals? I know I am no great person. How can I be different?
So I observe and comprehend through participation: I see myself in a fluctuating graph of emotions as successes are thrown carelessly on my path and failures strategically place themselves on the same road. In the process, I hope not only to acquire regrets but also incur, hopefully, bits and traces of wisdom.
I desire wisdom.
I also desire a taste of heaven.
There are times when it comes. Pure bliss – heaven – it engulfs me at the altar, in songs, in things spiritual. I can taste it, feel it.
But then it is a fleeting moment, this experience of pure bliss. And I theorize, wisdom may be attained through this. Happiness must be attained through this. But to understand in such transience is difficult.
This is when you totally give yourself, or almost. When you choose to abandon all desires, trust your soul completely, perhaps to a belief or a virtue. To Him. Other than Him, I have never trusted someone else in the utmost totality.
I seek that.
Am I foolish to think that bliss may be attained through selflessness? I see these figures crying out of heartbreak, people dying of loss, people waiting for other people who will never come. When will I be that way? I feel that thick screens still separate me from these kinds of situations. In these instances, I see and do not feel. And I admit, I am given to scorn, to thoughts that classify these people as only foolish.
Selflessness entails the decision to love. Or does love entail selflessness? In any case, giving one’s all must be the better and nobler choice.
But is this really love? Is it selfless to lose yourself in someone else when you seek bliss through it? And is this courage? Or just utter ruthlessness?
The pragmatist says it is something rash and idealized, a reckless abandon of reasoning. The romantic says it is love, after all.
Love and reason: how do I reconcile them? Is it futile to reconcile the two, even only to perhaps, create an illusion of equilibrium?
I seek to lose myself to someone else completely. I seek to love someone to the point of ruining everything I have believed and stood for. I seek to be reckless for once. To rebel.
Now, am I selfish?
If she loves me, he will not choose to drive me insane. But somehow, in my morbidity, I seek that, too.
Perhaps, I’m just thinking too much, or whatever.
